Training My Neighborhood Crows to Bring Me Treats and Assist in World Domination
Hi, it's been a while, hasn't it?
How's life treating you? My favorite expression for times like these is "LIVING THE DREAM!" I don't know who's dream it is. It's definitely not mine.
I am still busy working on my novel and it's going well. It's a hybrid crime/thriller and good ol' fashion smutty romance, so if you're into that thing, I think you'll be quite pleased. Should your Grandmother read it? Not unless she's Blanche Devereaux.
When will it be finished? My hope is by the end of this year, perhaps early spring. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
I do pity the NSA person who's in charge of spying on me via my Google search history. Typically 90% of the time, I go to Google just to spell-checking words I should already know how to spell.
In this season of life, there are a LOT of things about Las Vegas, international crime syndicates, and roofies I've had to learn to properly weave a believable narrative. So if you're reading this, NSA person, I can assure you I am well. My characters...not so much. I'm not quite George R. R. Martin, but a little suffering builds character. And characters. *rimshot*
In other news...
If COVID has had any positive effect on our lives, we have grown comfortable staying home and binge-watching things, haven't we? The quality of storytelling certainly has improved dramatically over the last few years. Well, except Tiger King.
Nowadays, I won't even consider watching a show unless I know it's critically acclaimed and offers a full season or two to plow through.
This leads me to the point of today's ball of yarn.
During Operation Avoid All Humanity (which coincided with Operation Pants are Officially Unnecessary) I became OBSESSED with Schitt's Creek.
"Ewwww, David!" is, in this humble writer's opinion, the new "Bless Your Heart." It has so many functions! Did your partner suggest you watch a night of basketball with them? Ewwww, David! Are you being subjected to the indignity of a Walmart run? Ewwww, David! Someone in a giant lifted truck attempting to back into a parking space holding everyone up? You get the idea.
In this season of uncertainty, I think I connect with Moira the most. We all think more of ourselves than is actually real, don't we? Strip us down to our basic parts, we're all dreamers wondering how it all went south so spectacularly.
During one such soul-sucking episode, Moira is finding her footing back into the glamorous world of acting with her role as Dr. Clara Mandrake in The Crows Have Eyes 3.
Don't worry if you missed The Crows Have Eyes 1 & 2.
This episode was a revelation for me! I became absolutely enchanted with the idea of having pet crows. What could go wrong? I live in a relatively suburban area. My house sits upon an acre of land. I rarely go outside so the chances of me stepping in crow poop are slim.
So I set off on a Bilbo Baggings journey of understanding my new feathered friends. No one was as shocked as I was about how magnificent these creatures are.
A few crow facts to stimulate your gray matter:
Crows remember faces. My crows have never seen me in a face of makeup, poor little turds.
Crows remember which humans show them kindness or cruelty. If you're thinking you're great at holding a grudge, you haven't met a crow.
Crows typically mate for life. Do crows remarry? Unclear.
Crows hold funerals for those they love.
Crows have the largest brain-to-body ratio of any avian species making them horrifyingly intelligent. They can literally solve the same puzzles children can. Plus they're far less annoying.
Crows can make and use tools. Yes, you read that correctly. The other three species that can do that? Orangutans, chimpanzees, and humans.
And the last fact that tickled my fancy: crows are so appreciative of human kindness, they'll bring your presents and treats.
Excuse me? Presents for doing the bare minimum of work? Sign me up!
So I began a little experiment. I thought, "how many days would it take to have crows land on my shoulder and drop a crisp $20 bill into my hand?" Realistically, I was thinking maybe 30 days.
LOL In the words of Dr. Clara Mandrake herself "You are blind to reality for that I am most proud."
So I plan to update this blog with my findings. My ultimate goal is to be prepared for a total societal collapse so I may swiftly ascend to power upon the wings of my little Bébés. But I'll settle for a button, or maybe a quarter. And perhaps an affectionate hello as I'm going to get the mail.
Here's what I've encountered since March 2022. Check back for more crow happenings!
(I really think it's best if you allow Sir David Attenborough to narrate this in your head)
March 21, 2022
Day 1
Day one of training my neighborhood crows to bring me treats and assist me in world domination.
Notes from today's field journal: Crows love cat food. This is really convenient because if the food sits for more than three hours in our cat's food bowl, it is substandard and she refuses to eat it.
And now we wait.
March 23, 2022
Day 3
Notes from today's field journal: One crow flew off as I approached the feeder but quickly came back after I went inside. They are getting used to me.
Fun fact: The crows have not yet discovered that I’m putting food both around the feeder and inside the basket, resulting in the loss of most of yesterday’s kibble.
Today’s experiment is ground feeding only.
March 25, 2022
Day 5
Notes from today's field journal: While crows do enjoy cat food, they are often finicky. With a lack of traffic today, I may try unsalted peanuts to tempt them.
March 26, 2022
Day 6
Notes from today's field journal: Unsalted peanuts in the shell bring all the crows to the yard.
March 28, 2022
Day 8
Notes from today's field journal: Crows learn schedules and routines quickly. I have been feeding them around 8 am every morning.
When I came downstairs at 7:30, they were already waiting on me. Impatient little buggers.
April 4, 2022
Day 14
Notes from today’s field journal: Crows recognize faces and will associate you with kindness or evil.
They also remember betrayals which makes them my spirit animal due to such pettiness.
I got my first crow wake-up call this morning. Looking at my phone, I realized I had missed our feeding time by 25 minutes and leaped out of bed to two waiting, hangry crows. They let me get within 15 feet of them before flying up into the trees and cawing at me for my tardiness. There is no snooze button for crows.
While cleaning out my car this afternoon, I was treated to an audience in the nearby trees. What type of vocal instructions they were giving me remains unclear.
The cat seems terribly disturbed that I am fraternizing with these loud Happy Meals.
April 22, 2022
Day 33
Today’s field notes: Food and treats are slowly being moved closer to the house. In 30 days we have moved approximately 20 yards, so win!
Our ultimate goal is to have a dish dedicated to crow food and treats, whereas they in turn will leave me presents.
They now seem unaffected when I back my car out of the driveway or chat them up. Morning wake-up caws begin at 7:15 am and continue until I come out to feed them around 8:15-8:30 each morning.
The cat seems more agitated by my Moira Rose transformation and has begun chirping incessantly, desperately wanting to eat our potential gift-bearing friends.
The crow on the right I have named Edgar Allan Crow (as seen here with his mate Dr. Clara Mandrake) and he is obviously aware of the cat's annoyance. Dare I say, he's inviting the cat to test that assumption at her convenience. (A little Jean-Luc Picard humor for you mega nerds like me).
Also, please ignore the lackluster housekeeping. The cat sleeps everywhere and despite her thumbs hasn’t learned how to make her bed. (Notable mention of the cat-sized divot).
Also, my mental health is just fantastic, thanks for asking.
May 2, 2022
Day 43
Today’s field notes: WE HAVE EXPERIENCED A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH!
A mere six weeks since we began our experiment we now have our crows eating out of a plate on the patio.
Our ultimate goal is to have a dish dedicated to crow food and treats, whereas they in turn will leave me presents. What shall we name this diner?
Many names were suggested but I’m delighted to report we have come across the only acceptable name.
Henceforth, the patio has been rechristened as THE CROW BAR.
They now seem unaffected when I peer out my window and cheer them on silently. The cat cannot comprehend what it is I’m actually doing.
I’m not sure if this subject is Edgar Allan Crow or his mate Dr. Clara Mandrake as currently, I am unfamiliar with the methods of determining crow genitalia.
Alas, more scientific research is needed.
May 20, 2022
Day 61
Today’s field notes: There have been some unwelcome visitors to our crow buffet lately.
Starlings are known to be the Cousin Eddies of the bird world. They are obnoxious, will literally eat anything, and never take the hint they should move on.
My initial research assured me that they didn’t eat shelled peanuts or cat food, so I assumed we were safe. HA! I sat and watched a group chow down like my yard was a Golden Corral.
I’m doing my best to keep consistent with the crow sanctuary's happy hour for my PREFERRED guests, but in the last five days, I’ve ceased giving out cat food and instead given them more peanuts.
I do plan to add in sunflower seeds and other Starling turn-offs in the coming days.
June 8, 2022
Day 78
Today’s field notes: An astute friend pointed out that it wasn’t starlings overtaking my yard but in fact grackles!
Grackles, in this avian non-expert’s not-so-humble opinion, walk around with the audacity of a sugared-up five-year-old.
They’ll eat ANYTHING. Literally, for two weeks, I watched these inland seagulls help themselves to peanuts, cat food, and copious amounts of bird seed. They’re obnoxious when they’ve found a new Airbnb. *rimshot*
So I've done what any normal person would do. I starved them out. lol For over two weeks I refused to put out anything. It helped we were on vacation for a week.
This morning, I fed the crows at our regular time. Within five minutes, I had a visit from two of my regulars. WITH NO SIGNS OF GRACKLES!
I’m not going to lie, I was worried I had offended them with the reverse hunger strike. But rest assured, crows not only remember faces, they recall generous friends for up to five years! I even got a few caws in thanks.
Remarkable creatures.
July 11, 2022
Day 111
Today’s field notes: The Crow Bar is officially open for business. My goal in this experiment is to not only get my crow friends to view me as a safe and consistent source of food but grow comfortable with my presence. And well, treats and world domination. Obviously.
In these 111 days, I’ve gotten them on a schedule (feedings at 8 am) and moved their trail of peanuts almost 30 yards from our bird feeders to our patio space.
Now the real work begins…getting them to hang out and bring me treats in the official Crow Bar dish. Up until this point I’ve been scattering their treats in the grass and then a dish on the ground.
This morning as I set up The Crow Bar I was greeted by a cacophony of caws, which if I’m being honest, is hilarious. I answered them back now.
When I began this experiment 111 days ago, did I honestly think I’d have them landing on my shoulder by this point? Absolutely. But working with wild animals with surprising intelligence is a long-term project.
I remain hopeful.
I'll update as new crow field research becomes available. Until then, Happy caw, y'all. It's ok, I'll see myself out.
Thanks for reading!
~ Christy