Some years I'm Frank Costanza, some years I'm Buddy the Elf
Hello friends! Long time no talk!
So in my last post, we discussed how every few years I morph into Frank Costanza. Not only am I over the commercialization of the mother of all holidays, but I often find tinsel too distracting. For those of you looking for an escape from the polar nightmare, read my previous Festivus how-to here.
This year I am delighted to share that The North Pole Embassy has been welcoming visitors once again!
This begs the question. How many Christmas trees are too many? I'm afraid that number can't be calculated, at least not in my opinion. This year, the number is seven! (with an additional number I'll cover later).
So let's do a recap of how ADHD and an obsession with holidays converge in a manner that would make minimalists break out into hives.
Our main tree, a seven and a half foot is overloaded with ornaments. No really, every single branch main tree is located in our living room and is overloaded with ornaments. At last count, we have five boxes ranging from The Golden Girls to gorgeous Waterford crystal balls hand stenciled in glitter.
For added merriment, I'm including a photo of Santa's most adorable helper. A few years ago I stumbled upon Shinesty and let me tell you the joy of dressing up your favorite person in something ostentatiously holly and jolly.
This year, the living room welcomed an additional two trees. Two more trees? How many decorations do these people have? A rough estimate puts the number into the high 300s, but then again, I could be lowballing that number.
The hubby and I have a wonderful habit of picking up two items from every place we travel - a Christmas ornament and a fridge magnet. Yes, I am that old lady. At least I'm into collectible spoons. For the past decade, we have visited the most random places on planet Earth and honored those memories in the form of kitsch. Did you know there was an International Vacuum Cleaner Museum on Route 66? We took the tour and I can assure you the evolution of technology that has made the most loathsome chore less of a pain. Also, shag carpeting will weigh eight times more when removed versus the day it is installed. That's pretty horrifying.
(Sadly, the museum closed in 2019 and I will forever cherish their tagline - Get Sucked In).
Another new addition to this year's Tannenbaum Spectacular is inspired by a galaxy far, far away. Both of us love movies with a passion and dialog is quite frankly our mother tongue! Hallmark is doing some efficient capitalism these days and almost all ornaments feature lights, scenes from the movie, and even animation. Seeing Jabba the Hut's jaw move with his deep rumbling chuckle is quite frankly terrifying.
The fourth and last tree on our first floor resides in my husband's home office. When I think of holiday trauma, I look no further than National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation! Haven't we all been there? Stuck preparing for the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny F-ing Kaye only to have our well-laid plans explode faster than a storm drain filled with sewer gas? Despite that Clark W. Griswold, Jr. does provide an immense amount of comedic relief this time of year. As long as you don't burn down his tree or wrap a cat up in a box.
Moving upstairs we have not one, but three Christmas trees in our suite. My God, how many trees does this lady need? Please refer to my Mean Girls reference in the title.
I am obsessed with snowmen. Admiring a blanket of freshly fallen snow is simply magical, but driving in it not so much. For me, snowmen represent the most whimsical part of Christmas. To date, I've only made three snowmen in my entire life, but there's always the next snowfall to add to that list. As a bonus, I upgraded our sleigh bed with some Frosty the Snowman's sexy cousin, Fiesty
On the topic of snowmen, I have collected Hallmark's animated every year since 2003. That's right kids, I have 20 of them. They sing, they dance, and they pose a problem to those with epilepsy. This year's snowman is a jazzy piano player, and if ragtime Christmas carols don't get you in the mood, your Grinch-like heart needs to grow two sizes. In a statement that will shock none of you, if our house were on fire, I would first ensure the cat and Brian were out safely. Then I would dash back in risking third-degree burns to save these little darlings.
I've told my husband we need to expand our house to include a third floor as I'm currently running out of space on the staircase. Much to the delight of both my husband and the cat, I have a habit of pressing all of them on my way up in a move that would drive those with noise-induced anxiety into the fetal position.
Tree number six is a tribute to the four greatest years of my life and a little hill that brings me peace and comfort whenever I see Western Kentucky University's ubiquitous mascot, Big Red. What is Big Red? A lovable cross between Grimce and The Kool-Aid Man. At least that's how those who lived in Florence Schneider Hall described him. Another fun fact - the campus of WKU is crawling with white squirrels. Are they albino? They are not as they have black eyes. Yet one can't wonder how a population of ivory tree rats came to be in the first place. We have always suspected it was a science project gone wrong.
The last and final tree is by far my favorite! My fondest childhood memory is watching A Christmas Story with my cousins on Christmas Eve and parroting the script as if we were the main characters.
Even now, 40 years after the movie's premiere, I watch it religiously in the weeks leading up to Christmas and for 24 hours straight on Christmas Eve into Christmas Day. For those of you unfamiliar with the 1983 classic, the movie centers on Ralphie Parker's quest for the ultimate Christmas gift - an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-range shot model air rifle. What's more American than wanting a firearm for Christmas?
A later post expanding more on my love of this film will follow in the coming days. An in-person, fully immersive experience was so monumentally epic, that it deserves its own post!
Now that you've sufficiently judged me for my over-the-top holiday decor, you may have remembered a mention that there might be....more. Oh yes indeed. Ceramic Christmas trees were nouveau-riche in the 80s, but I am on a one-woman mission to bring them back en vogue. To date, I have created ten of them and am now lovingly displaying them on the kitchen buffet. I would add more but lacking the space, that must be a project for another day.
So my darling friends, now that you know I'm bringing a little extra jingle to December, how are you celebrating?
Thanks for reading!
~ Christy