How the Queen of Christmas is Coping with a Lack of Holiday Cheer
This is going to come as a huge shock to many of you, but every few years, the self-proclaimed Queen of Christmas turns into a huge Grinch.
Normally, I am Buddy the Elf's little sister. While I may draw the line at spaghetti with Pop-Tarts and maple syrup, I embrace the maximalism style of the most wonderful time of the year. My hoard of Christmas decor goes out at 12:01 am on November 1 and is joyfully displayed through mid-January.
I consider my house an embassy of the North Pole. I display not one, but five Christmas trees. I will share with you some of my favorite ornaments in a future post but suffice it to say, I love a good theme. I have a snowman-themed tree with a light-up tree skirt and an animated snowflake tree topper. One is dedicated to my favorite movie, A Christmas Story, complete with leg lamps and some of Ralphie's greatest scenes. I also have curated a village of A Christmas Story locations along with tiny figurines. Once I die, my nieces and nephews are going to have a heck of a time dealing with the remnants of my whimsy.
Yet another tree is an homage to my alma mater - Western Kentucky University, complete with our iconic red towel, our loveable, indescribable mascot Big Red, and those familiar white squirrels that would terrorize us on the way to classes. All of these I place in our primary suite. Yes, you didn't just have a minor stroke. I put three Christmas trees in my bedroom.
One tree in our home office celebrates National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation as Clark W. Griswold, Jr. has always been one of my Christmas mentors. I'm also building a Christmas village complete with Cousin Eddie's tenement on wheels. The last in my living room is just traditional Tannebaum with ornaments we've collected throughout the years.
I have yet to create a Die Hard tree, only because weaving machine guns and a photo of Bruce Willis shimming through ventilation shafts into a tree sounds like a DIY challenge and your girl isn't very crafty. Also, sorry to break it to you folks, but Die Hard is indeed a Christmas movie and I shall celebrate it as such!
Not to be left out, since 2004, I have purchased every single animated snowman from Hallmark and one of my favorite things to do is press the play buttons on every single one of them on my way up the stairs. Ahhh, the melodic sounds of 19 songs playing at once capture the magic of Christmas, don't you think?
A number of years ago, I painstakingly added another theme to the Holiday season with my own little ceramic Christmas tree forest. Rearranging the tiny plastic lights in mom's tree from the 80s remains a core memory for me.
So this brings me back to the original intent of this post. How does the Queen of Christmas cope with a lack of holiday spirit? By acknowledging the problem but using dark humor to deflect any and everything!
Now before you begin panic buying toilet paper as we did at the beginning of Covid, hear me out. I can assure you this is not a sign of the apocalypse. Sometimes over the top preparations and plans are simply exhausting. In the last year, I've been exploring a lot of what makes my brain behave the way it does. And one of those things is the existential dread that comes with feeling overwhelmed. For most of us, the season between Halloween and New Years is torturous. Cards, gifts, meals, travel - dare I say many of us are crawling across the finish line come January 1.
In this season, I'm doing a little self-care, and sadly that means not dragging everything from the storage room and spending innumerable hours transforming our house into something that resembles Whoville.
While I'm sad to admit this, the loss of Christmases of years past has me feeling a little Grinchy lately.
When you become an adult, you realize the traditions of your childhood evolve into something that no longer resembles what's normal to you. I no longer go to my grandparents' house on Christmas Eve. I no longer sneak out of the said house with my cousins and sit with all the lights off as we watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story. Most of my Holidays are spent traversing the state, visiting family that lives hours in opposite directions. Yet no matter where I am I always watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story. I refuse to let some traditions die. Including the annual deviled egg-eating competition.
But as we spend hours in the car instead of relaxing at home in our Christmas-themed pajamas, the yuletide classic Home for the Holidays runs on repeat through my head. Even if the line "gee, the traffic is terrific" is complete BS.
This year, instead of berating myself for being Ebenezer Scrooge, I am channeling that lack of White Christmas glee into celebrating a little-known annual tradition - FESTIVUS.
Seinfeld remains one of my favorite TV shows and the iconic character of Frank Costanza (or CO-STAN-ZA as he was fond of pronouncing it) is exactly how I imagine myself in the years to come. Frank is pragmatic, decisive, and honestly one of the angriest persons on planet earth. What's not to love about a character who yells at everyone and takes everything as a personal slight?
Many years ago, Frank founded the idea of Festivus as a contrast to the over-consumerism of a typical Holiday celebration. If memory serves me, and it always does, Frank's epiphany came to him as he was reigning down blows on someone who reached for a toy he was desperate to buy. In his words, "there had to be a better way" to gather those you love and appreciate the warmth of the season.
So you're thinking to yourself wow, Festivus sounds amazing! How can I bring a little Co-STAN-ZA joy to those I love? It's simple my friends.
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO
A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!
Start by setting aside one day for this most sacred of Holidays. Festivus is always celebrated on December 23 as a way to cleanse the palate before the next two days of hellacious stress and relatives you dread seeing.
Instead of decorations, simply procure yourself a Tall Aluminum Pole. You'll appreciate the impressive height-to-weight ratio. There is no need for flashy lights or danging ornaments because as Frank once wisely said, "I find tinsel too distracting."
Gather the ones you love for a special holiday meal. Are you freaking out because you forgot to thaw the turkey? Take heart, every Festivus Dinner can be whipped together in less than an hour as meatloaf is the main course.
My favorite part of Festivus is The Airing of Grievances, and each family takes turns sharing their pent-up frustrations with each other over the past year. Don't hold back, consider it to be a Holiday roast. I admire this part of the tradition and make it a point to practice it all year long.
Lastly, we wrap up this blessed occasion with The Feats of Strength. After you've stuffed yourself silly with meatloaf and pumpkin pie, Festivus simply cannot conclude until a guest wrestles and pins the host or the family patriarch into submission.
Honestly, what is not to love about Festivus? In this time of seasonal affective disorder (ironic it's SAD for short), we could all enjoy a little light-hearted verbal and physical violence. Don't forget, no matter how small the joy you find in this season, celebrate it! After all...
Thanks for reading!
~ Christy